Online Dating – Have Fun And Avoid The Lurking Dangers

Web Dating Fun

Meeting people on the internet should be enjoyable and fun. You should be able to meet lots of people, spend a little time getting to know each one, narrow them down to the few or the one you think you would like to at least be friends with, and then get to know him, her or them better. Finally you should arrive at a comfortable point where it is time to move to the next stage, personal contact.

The people you wish to eliminate early should recognize that it is not personal, it is not animosity, it is not rudeness. It is simply a matter of having too many options to follow up on every person in detail, and therefore having to exercise your discretion based on limited information together with gut instinct and/or intuition. You can’t spend too much time on every person you encounter so you have to devote the time you do have to those who spark some real interest in you. The people you must quickly reject, assuming you do so in a polite and fair manner, should recognize that it simply wasn’t their moment in time formeeting you.

And if you want to keep it enjoyable and fun, when you are the one being rejected you must recognize the same thing – it wasn’t your moment in time for meeting the person rejecting you. In the simplest terms, keep an open mind and remember that on the internet the options are so endless that the next great potential friend or partner is just around the cyber corner.

But there are other things to keep always in mind in order to enjoy your web dating experience instead of allowing it to become a disaster.

Web Dating Safety

As we have said, web dating can be, and probably 99% of the time is, a lot of fun. The following information is not designed to scare you away from web dating or any other use of the internet. Rather it is intended to help ensure that you never have to fall into that 1% of people who do not end up having a good experience dating on the internet.

There are three general categories of individuals (villains) you can encounter on the web who represent a danger or threat to your web safety, and to some extent to your psychological and even physical well being. These people are the basic scum of the earth and require your ongoing vigilance. We have divided them into three categories based not on the type of activity they engage in, which is similarly fraudulent activity based upon lies and deceit, but is rather divided according to the degree of harm they may be prepared or intending to inflict upon you. They are, from the most harmful to least harmful, the following:

1. Predators

These people are truly one in a million, and there is scant evidence that any of the serious predator crimes discussed under this heading have ever taken place in connection with a web dating site. But there is legitimate concern that it may happen someday. It is of course a major concern with similarly styled predators (pedophiles) preying on children on the internet. So don’t panic please, as owners of an International Online Dating Site, we just feel it our duty to advise you of any risks to be on the lookout for.

Predators have no conscience and are prepared, indeed planning, to do you grievous harm. They include men who have intentions of sexual assaults on unsuspecting women, and individuals, couples or groups who may wish to lure you, be you male or female, halfway around the world in order rob you, kidnap you, enslave you or worse. Of course they are a few individuals out of millions, and your chances of encountering one of them are extremely low, perhaps lower than being struck by lightning, but if you do you should know the signs to look for and the precautions to take.

Of course their plans are detailed and well thought out, so they will always have a good story to tell. Watch out for too good a story. They have an agenda, so watch out for someone who doesn’t want to adapt to your needs. They need to be in control and want to get you on their turf, so don’t let them set all the guidelines as to where your first meeting will take place, or when. If you aren’t easily controlled you make a difficult victim – it becomes easier to just pass on you and look for someone who does what they’re told. However, we are not experts on this subject. If you wish to know more one place you might start is a book called “Web Stalkers – Protect Yourself from Internet Criminals and Psychopaths”, written by Donald Andert & Donald K. Burleson.

2. Scammers

Scammers are individuals who do not have intentions of inflicting any physical damage upon you; they just want your money. Unfortunately these people abound on web dating sites. Quality Online Dating Sites are taking as many steps as possible to weed this type of member out. Unfortunately, it isn’t possible to catch them all in advance and we require some evidence that a member is scamming before we can refuse them or terminate their memberships. Websites that charge for services are going to be far more diligent about guarding against Scammers, and in fact the so called “Free” sites have some reason to welcome Scammers as they are the ones that really are best at appealing to many members and keeping the site busy. If you find someone clearly trying to scam you, report their activities to the website. If you aren’t satisfied with their response condsider moving on to another site. A Quality Site will also notify all members when a Scammer has been discovered to ensure that no one else is caught in their web.

Scammers are almost invariably (probably 95% of the time) registered on a dating site as a female member. That doesn’t mean they are female, frequently the person behind the female profile is a man, and just as frequently a couple, one man and one woman. The scammer will develop your interest in her, and then start to need your assistance, financial assistance specifically. At first, usually the amount she needs seems so small to you that you can’t believe it is a scam. In your mind it just isn’t enough to bother with. Maybe she developed a computer problem, and if she can’t get it fixed how can she continue to communicate with you? Maybe her Mom is ill and needs some medicine. She hates to place her problems in your lap, but she feels so close to you already, and she has nowhere else to turn. Of course you’ll send her the $50 needed to solve this problem. You love that she would ask you to help.

The tricky part is that it could easily be true, maybe her computer really did break down, maybe her Mom really is sick. You can’t be sure and to turn her down may just cost you the most wonderful chance at happiness you’ve had in years. It could all be true, and the scammer knows that, that’s why her/his story is so good. But it may not be true, and there may be 19 other guys falling for the same story at the same time. Suddenly that $50 is actually $1,000 and that’s a nice monthly income in China, and a small fortune in a place like Russia, Vietnam and most other third world countries.

And it could just be stage one of a plan to eventually invade your bank account or turn you into a monthly supporter. We have heard from good sources of female members on some Russian sites who have 4 or more “fianc├ęs”, each of whom is supporting her with a good monthly income.

Other scams involve simply getting you to provide your email address, which batched in with hundreds of others is a saleable commodity. Or to have you click on a link that will ultimately allow her/him full access to your computer, your identity, your personal information and ultimately, your bank account.

Watch out for a member who too quickly wants you to go directly to personal email contact. If in that first or second message you are already being asked to email her address from your own, ask yourself why? You can continue to message her from your Web Dating site for a long time at no additional cost. One of your greatest protections is just to stay on the dating site for communications until you are confident she is for real. The scammer desperately wants off site as quickly as possible, to avoid being caught and to get more personal. Usually a scammer will tire after maintaining contact on the site for even a few messages, because she/he wants easier targets to deal with. She/he will drop you and move on to easier fish to catch.

Of course watch out for someone who too quickly asks for money. In the case of our website, which focuses on Chinese women and International Men, we can confidently say that genuine and sincere Chinese ladies do not wish to lose face with you, and to ask a stranger for money is a loss of face. She will do almost anything to find other sources of money, friends or family, a second job, even selling something she owns, before she will lose face with you if she is genuinely interested in you for the right reasons. And we bet this is true of all women who really are interested in you, not only Chinese women.

3. Game Players

Game Players are website members who are not after your money, but they are after something of value – your pride, your psyche, your sense of well being. They are usually male members, but that statistic is becoming less true all the time. These are people who, for some reason, stroke their own egos by damaging yours. It’s okay to play games if the person on the other side is also playing games, and both sides are aware of it. But it’s quite another thing to deceive someone into trusting you just so you can deflate their pride or even break their heart. But for some reason the game player thinks that a “loss” for you is a “win” for him/her.

The variety of games being played is endless, far too varied for us to provide a list. In the case of male game players, probably the ultimate goal is a consensual sexual conquest. But it might be a final giving in to a request for sexy pictures, or something more innocent, like simply having a number of women’s interest, all wanting him at the same time. For the female game player the goal might be receipt of nice gifts, especially from several men at the same time, or maybe she finds self worth in being told she is loved and admired by as many men as possible. The point is, don’t let your self worth suffer at the hands of these people.

As the dating site it is almost impossible for us to control this behavior. We can’t terminate someone’s membership because another person complains of ill treatment unless that is backed up by solid evidence, and solid evidence is almost impossible to provide. Given undeniably clear evidence of improper behavior we will terminate a member’s status, but it almost always becomes one member’s word against another, and we cannot be the one to judge on that basis. However, we do offer one excellent tool to protect you from another member’s unwanted attention, your Blacklist. On Quality Online Dating sites you are entitled to place any other member you wish on your Blacklist and once on your Blacklist that other member is unable to contact you in any manner.

Watch out for someone who is too quick to express real love (why would someone seriously searching for a life partner jump into “love” overnight), someone who seems preoccupied while chatting with you (maybe he/she is chatting with several members at once), someone who doesn’t remember the things you’ve written in your profile or told him/her in a previous message (maybe he/she is juggling too many dates) or someone who says something in a chat or a message that doesn’t seem to be directed at you, like asking you about Sidney, Australia, when you live in Vancouver, Canada (maybe you’re being confused with someone else on his/her list of conquests).

Most importantly of all, when you find yourself the victim of a game player, remember that it is his/her fragile sense of self worth that brought you there, not your own. He/she is truly the “loser”. Don’t give up on the rest of the members of your favorite site because most of them are truly, sincerely and honestly searching for you. Take care to avoid the Predators, Scammers and Game Players, and Online Dating can be great fun and it can lead to a true and lasting relationship.

The Psychology of Online Dating: She Wants and He is

In the first article in this series (The Psychologists Viewpoint) I outlined how psychologists have investigated attraction and dating preferences by looking at the contents of personal advertisement and online dating profiles.

The second article (He Wants and She is) described the sort of things men say they are looking for in a partner. In this article we turns things on their head and consider what women have said they want in a partner as well as how men describe themselves and whether this matches women’s desires.

Before we begin, please spend a few moments and think of about four general things that you think women are typically looking for in a partner … now let’s see what scientific research has revealed.

What does the research say?

When looking at sex differences in what’s sought from a partner, two factors stand head and shoulders above the rest and are reported so often in the research literature that it would be remarkable if any researcher failed to find these results. In the previous article we discussed the fact that men are far more interested in a partner’s attractiveness than women are. The thing that women look for but men don’t is wealth.

In fact it is only a small minority of women who directly say they are looking for someone rich and we need to take a slightly broader view of what constitutes wealth or at least financial stability. Some of the phrases encountered do refer directly to wealth (e.g. ‘rich’ and ‘financially secure’) but in many cases women will say they are looking for a partner who has specific assets (e.g. ‘own house’) or employment (e.g. ‘business type’, ‘professional’ or even just ‘working’). Alternatively, the thing mentioned might be a personal attribute that, while it could be viewed as sought for its own sake, implies an aptitude or capacity to earn now or in the future (e.g. ‘ambitious’, ‘intelligent’ or ‘college educated’).

Taking money, assets, employment and aptitudes separately, in each case women are more likely to say they are looking for a partner with these characteristics than men are. When taken as an overall category of features implying wealth or the capacity to earn, research has consistently shown women are more interested in a partner having these features than men. For example, in 2003 I presented some results to colleagues based on my collection of nearly 5000 advertisements. Within this set of data, women were six times more likely than men to mention one of the above as a desirable characteristic in a partner.

Men seem to be fully aware of what women are looking for as they are consistently more likely than women to mention that they are financially secure, well educated, or have personal qualities that might be expected to lead to wealth or security. Often this is done directly through a bald mention of personal assets such as ‘own house and car’ (a phrase used so frequently it is often abbreviated to ‘OHAC’) or men may be more subtle and include something in their description that implies wealth such as ‘hobbies include good restaurants, opera, sailing and regular holidays overseas.’

Male interest in attractiveness and female interest in wealth are both pretty clear cut. You will recall the other things men wanted in a partner were also physical features of one kind or another. Women’s desires, however, are not as simple as this. Apart from wealth (or at least financial stability/promise) there are three other factors that women are just as interested in and just as likely to mention when seeking a partner.

The first of these is a difficult concept to pin down as different researchers view it in different ways depending on how phrases are grouped together. For example, if we consider phrases such as ‘expressive’, ‘sensitive’ and ‘open’ as referring to something different to phrases such as ‘warm’, ‘loving’ and ‘romantic’ then both our ‘expressiveness’ and our ‘warmth’ categories will have relatively smaller numbers of adverts than a general category containing all these phrases. Where researchers do group these together and look for what might be called positive emotional characteristics as a single category, then women are just as interested in finding a partner like this as they are in a partner’s wealth and resources. Men are also pretty interested in finding someone who they describe using phrases of this type but not as interested as women are. However men are certainly aware of women’s desires in this area as they are considerably more likely than women to describe themselves as having these female-valued emotional characteristics.

Another characteristic that men often lay claim to, and women often seek, is identified by phrases such as ‘honest’, ‘genuine’, ‘faithful’ and ‘committed’. If we take these phrases as indicating the desire for a partner who is open to having an ongoing relationship and who is not going to mess you around, then this is something women are also as interested in as wealth and emotionality.

The last female-valued attribute I want to mention is physical and is the only physical attribute that women seek more often than men do. It is height.

Whether a specific height is mentioned or whether it is simply the use of the adjective ‘taller’ when describing a partner, women are far more interested in a man’s height than men are in a woman’s, and they almost invariably want men who are tall, or at least taller than they are themselves. This result has been found in numerous studies of personal advertisement and was borne out again recently in a novel study of speed dating events. Researchers at the University of Essex looked at the characteristics of men who were more or less successful at getting invitations to follow-up dates at speed dating events. They found the men who were most successful at any particular event were usually among the tallest present.

Men seem to be aware of this female preference as they are far more likely to mention their height than women. This may be an assertion that they are ‘tall’ or they may give an actual height. However in my sample of personal advertisements, the average male height (where it is mentioned) is 5 feet 10 inches. This is significantly taller than the average adult male height in the UK population so either these men were inflating their heights or only the taller men mentioned it.

In summary, based on extensive research looking at what women say they want in a partner, the four main characteristics that emerge are wealth (or at least financial security), positive emotional characteristics (such a warmth, openness and sensitivity), someone who is honest and open to forming an ongoing relationship, and height.

How can we use this?

In the previous article I used this subheading as an opportunity to advise women on how they can present themselves to attract initial male attention. In this article I am not going to do this as I think the research above speaks for itself, and I want to explore briefly the moral dilemma I had about writing these articles, particularly this one. It is to do with deception.

There is no doubt that deception is widely used when seeking a date. From a psychological perspective, women’s use of makeup, hair dye and body shaping knickers are actually forms of deception that are specifically targeted at the physical features that men are interested in. Now I am not asserting a moral position here as these forms of deception are widespread and socially acceptable, not to mention (in the case of makeup) visually detectable. I more want to make the point that although they may not usually be viewed this way, they are in fact methods used by women to deceive men about their male-valued characteristics.

Given the above, we should also expect men will use deception to make themselves more attractive to women. Furthermore, deception is most likely to involve exactly the things that women seek in a partner. Unfortunately these are intangibles such as personality characteristics that cannot be immediately observed, leaving men much greater scope to lie.

If you are a man who is genuinely sensitive, financially stable, and looking for a real relationship then please do mention this in your personal advertisement as you will probably get a better response, but also bear in mind that many others will be (perhaps falsely) emphasising these features so don’t expect women to take any such claims at face value. Women looking for someone like this will and indeed should take the time to get to know someone. It is well known that women prefer to develop relationships slowly and given what I have said above, this is not only understandable but could also be viewed as another way to test a man’s character. If he really is sensitive and committed then a slow start to a relationship should not be a problem.

The next article takes some of the results mentioned in this and the previous article and uses these to explore theories of attraction. This may sound a bit dry but the main aim of the article is to introduce you to a current psychological theory of attraction that you can use to assess your own value in the ‘mating market’.

Online Dating Guide For Men Over 40

In fact, maturity gives you distinctive advantages. By now you know who you are and what you want in life. The women you will be dating also have grown up and learned how to live their lives. It’s time for less games and more transparency and openness.

1. Write down what you seek.

You can get exactly what you are looking for. If you simply want some casual encounters, enjoying ladies’ attention and entertaining, this is achievable.

If you desire a committed partner to spend the rest of your life with, it’s also possible to find. You are still young enough to make it happen.

Even if you dream about family and kids, it’s not too late. For example, Slavic women from countries of the former USSR with unfortunate gender ratios are seeking partners online and they are willing to accept someone older to be able to realize their dreams of family and marriage.

For instance, in Ukraine women are in the situation of 86 males for 100 females. It’s plainly impossible for some single ladies to find partners. A single 35-year-old Belarus woman would be usually open to accept a man who is 30-50 years old, or even older. Besides, a 35-year-old lady will be really eager to cut the chase and get married quickly to start a family sooner. Such realistic options in our age of total Internet connectivity became accessible to anyone.

No matter what you are looking for, there is a quick and efficient way to make your dreams come true. Just be honest about what you really desire and don’t sell yourself short.

2. Get great photos.

Online dating is all about presentation. You will improve your chances to meet quality women and cut down rejections dramatically if you have an excellent photo in your profile, as compared with a gloomy selfie shot.

Save yourself time and money that you will inevitably waste in dead-end dates by getting nice pictures for your online dating profile.

>> Women love style. A guy in a collared shirt and pants looks more attractive to ladies than a man in a stretched T-shirt. Better quality women pay even more attention to the way you dress.
>> Smiling in your photo helps you appear approachable and happy with your life.
>> Beautiful surroundings lift up the spirit of your photo. It makes your picture stand out from the crowd.

3. Write positive texts.

We all know people who manage to bring the liveliest party down. Certainly, no one wants to spend the rest of their lives-or even one date!-with someone who constantly complains. If you want to talk about things that are important for you, make sure you do it in a positive way.

For instance, instead of “I despise smokers” write “I prefer people who do not smoke”.

4. Be open and truthful.

It may be tempting to shave a few years or pounds in your online dating profile but resist the urge. Sure, we’d love to think that we look younger than our biological age. This is quite typical for people, while it’s unlikely for anyone to make a statement, “I look older than my age”.

Ladies will notice if you indeed look good for your age and they will be excited about it. But starting with lies is not a good way and could drive the girl to feel used. Rather tell the truth and lay a strong foundation for a first-class connection.

5. Let them see the real you.

There are certain things that make you unique. If your friends were asked to characterize you in 3-4 words, what would they say? You may think some of your distinct features are unremarkable or even negative, but you could be surprised, there are other people who have a different view. They find such traits attractive or admirable.

Some Romanian women may view certain qualities in a man attractive, while local ladies would see them in a different light. By the way, even in your local area people have different opinions. By being sincere you will attract like-minded people and put off the ones who are unsuitable for you.

This is why it’s best to describe precisely what makes you the person you are. That’s the easiest way to find a good match through online dating.